Is self-care selfish?
I’ve been feeling frustrated of late when speaking with other women about ways we could better look after ourselves. Or, in the modern lingo, how to practice self-care.
First of all, I am a firm believer in the need to look after ourselves to deal with the stresses of modern life. But it’s the ‘self’ part of self care that can be a problem.
I went to a yoga workshop type thing last month, and we had a conversation where we shared our thoughts on how we cope with common issues like ‘imposter syndrome’ and feeling aimless or hopeless with life. Familiar advice was proffered. TED talks by wise people motivating us to try out new attitudes, like embracing our own vulnerability. Or meditation. Or trying out gratitude diaries.
All these things can be helpful, don’t get me wrong. But I found myself getting annoyed.
To go back to the idea of imposter syndrome. Or, more simply, an ingrained lack of self-belief in your ability to do your job, and pervading self-doubt. The fact this affects women more than men is not coincidence. This lack of self-esteem is a product of how we are socialised as children, the messages we receive about how girls are supposed to behave, implicitly sexist decision-making in organisations, and structural factors that hold us back such as the gender pay gap, and prohibitively expensive childcare. When you are subtly undermined across a lifetime, doubt creeps in. No amount of self-care and self-compassion is going to fix that.
What I said during the yoga workshop was that all of us need help from others, a lot of the time. We live in a highly individualistic society. But if you are in a hole of stress or depression, you can’t dig yourself out of it alone. We all need a leg up from others. I have realised that I need to spend time, regularly, with good friends that love me for who I am and who make me laugh, or make me think. Before I had a major bout of depression I would often withdraw from socialising, because I had too much work or needed to rest. I slogged on at work, asking for help but not really communicating that I was drowning under the workload and the pressure of my role.
I would spend time each morning during the second half of my pregnancy, before jumping on my bike to work, doing 15 minute bursts of mindfulness targeted at dealing with stress. I would then tell myself positive affirmations as I cycled in. You are a confident woman! You can do your job! I would do yoga at night to try to calm myself. All of that went out of the window when I had a baby. But my attitude that I could think or self-care my way out of stress and burnout continued. It didn’t end well. I ran myself into the ground. And, somewhere along the way, I internalised the idea that I was solely responsible for my own mental health, that it could be calmed with self-care methods, that I could soothe and relax and think my way out of it.
Now, I’m not saying we’re all like this (God forbid). But I often sense an additional layer of blame on top of people’s anxiety and depression. I should make more time for myself. I should eat better/ sleep better /do more yoga.
Wouldn’t it be better for us to let go of some of that? We each deserve to have other people looking out for us and looking after us. Your manager that is too busy to meet you, they should be doing better. You’re in too much of a rush to make eye contact with the shop assistant serving you, or crack a smile. You’re too busy to check in on your mum on the phone. All this busyness, in the service of what?
I can’t help but get the feeling that a good chunk of the self-care industry is aimed at keeping us going at 100 miles an hour. I do yoga so I can cope with work. I eat ‘clean’ so I can cope with the social anxiety of looking nice and attracting friends and lovers. I run marathons so I can beat the living shit out of my body and feel some release from the mundanity of my job. (Haha, maybe I’m going a bit far there, sorry runners.)
Who in your life needs caring for at the moment? What help could you seek from people you love and trust? How can you go about your day in a way that boosts the quality of other people’s day? For who or what are you working so very hard?
Peace out x
